Day Ten

My husband and I have been talking about the difference between being acted upon and acting on situations. President Faust reminded me in his address, "Self-esteem: the Great Human Need," that we are more confident and feel better about ourselves when we aren't being  let by habits. I think my poor reaction to why I see as negative events are often my worse cause of self-anger. Like today, I don't think I was as nice to my only team-member as I could have been. I think part of it is that I feel awkward "managing" her. But I make it worse I'm sure, by not being as kind as I could.

It is even worse when I say and do things to my husband that make him feel bad.

These are the things that make me lye awake at night not able to sleep. They eat at me and remind me of what an awful person I can be.

I will work tomorrow on being kinder, again, to those I work most closely with and especially to my dear husband.

Day Nine

Getting Others' Thoughts (mostly imagined) Out of My Head

Today, I began studying President Faust's address on self-esteem. In one of his beginning lines, he quotes the English author Browning saying, "self-esteem is 'an itch for the praise of fools.'" 

My husband and I were laughing today as we worked out together on campus. I get so very uncomfortable any time any one comes around that could possibly see me do my best to work out. My husband said today, "maybe exercising up here regularly will be good STOP CARING WHAT OTHERS THINK." 

I also notice that I often forget what my dear Father in Heaven would have me do when I am so concerned about what others are thinking of me. 

And what is it all for?

For the "itch of the praise of fools."

Don't think I think for one second everyone else is a fool, but in the view of our All-powerful Creator and Savior, how does any of our opinions of each other hold a candle? We just are, once again, looking through glass, darkly, as Paul put it. 

My dear husband also made a good point. He commented on how I have good intentions and so even if a person were to have a mean thought about me, they will answer to God someday for that. It's not my responsibility to make 100% certain everyone I met is in absolute love with me. I can be nice and warm, but there are always going to be those who won't like me no matter what. If not everyone was or is kind to our Savior and Redeemer, why should I demand more respect than He?

Day Eight

I made an interesting realization today while working with another gal on a project. She is very friendly gal, but she seems to like most of the others we come in contact with than me. I realized that others just are happier.

Well, yeah.

I know I'm not that happy while at work.

I am generally just so outrageously stressed then you through in the social aspect with spikes my anxiety even higher.

BUT we really do feel more at ease when we are around happy people. There was a really happy, sweet and just authentic daughter of a resident there who has the same temperament. I felt stressed all day and with everyone else I talked with, but with this daughter, I didn't. I felt at ease, and what's more, I felt happy.

Why? Why with her? She wasn't fakely happy like so many people that we consider "very happy."

Maybe if I knew who myself was around others, and was authentic, and stayed positive, maybe others would like being around me too.

Day Seven

It is difficult to feel like I serve people while in school more than full-time with 30 hours of rotations a week and home work on top of it all. During the summer now, I work two jobs where I run around and stress the whole shift. I come home exhausted. I have felt over this last year, many times, that my life is benefiting now one else's life.

This makes me so sad!! I want my life to be of value to others!

Cheryl Lant, in the last part of her address I have been studying on, "God's Love," reminded me that some of the best service we can provide day to day is just smiling at others and greeting kindly those around us. We can just be kind to those people who make us want to pull our hair out. I am grateful for those who are patient with me when I am not in a great mood or are grading on their nerves and don't show it.

This week, I am going to be little kinder and more conscience of how I treat those around me, like greeting my husband with kindness even when I am stressed.

Tonight, we also have a few hours together. We can brainstorm a simple service we can do for someone.

Day Six

The fridge at work froze last weekend. Last night, it decided not to cool. Parts of the fridge was 60 something degrees. But our shipments come on the first day of the work week so it was a blessing that way it happened today, the last day of the week. I was very annoyed at myself for anything I might have done to have caused this and for all the lost inventory that might have been caused by my hand.

The next section in Cheryl C. Lant's address on "God's Love," is on forgiving ourselves. My  husband found a book at work he shared with me today, "How To Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. We read the first chapter today. It talked a lot about how much further an effect we can have with people if we refrain from criticizing and pointing blame.

I've wondered what it would be like if I, and others like me, didn't criticize themselves so much. What sort of impact that would have.

Lant reminds me in her address that the Savior loves me so much, He doesn't want me to even toiling in guilt over my mistakes, but to be able to turn to Him. He will help us to even forgive ourselves.

As a person living with really, really high social anxiety and constant feelings of how I am ruining everyone's lives around me, that is HUGE!

He doesn't want me to take guilt for things that weren't mine to begin with. He doesn't want me to rehash in my head how terrible of a ________ mistake I made.

Not at all. He wants me to turn to Him and ask for His hand in helping me to get past these terrible feelings.

If the man who knows all and will be the judge of all doesn't even want me to be so hard on myself, what reason do I have to do so?

Day Five

The next part in the section on, "Appreciating Who We Are," Cheryl C. Lant address on "God's Love" (which I have been slowly studying and mediating in my quest for improving my view of myself) talks about how it is important that I remember that I am an unique and to not compare myself to others but to set goals and then compare ourselves to our own self. 

I have already set the goal I am working on as I write: to study on how to build my love for myself each day and mediate it as I write in this here blog. I have done surprisingly well with that so far!

Next goals:
1. Catch myself when comparing myself to others these next 7 days and change that thought to a positive thought about both me and that other person.

2. When I make a mistake, instead of beating myself up for hours or the whole rest of the day (i.e. today when I didn't put enough flour in the cookies at work and they turned out completely horrible), I will acknowledge the mistake and plan how I will change next time or what I can do to fix the problem (i.e. it is too late to fix those awful cookies but right now I will allow myself to have made a mistake. It is human. I was bound to happen sometime. Also, I didn't have recipe so I was going on memory. At least this wasn't with a main dish. Next time I can just print off a recipe the day before and follow it. Pretty simple solution).

Day Four

After work, I found out that my husband entertained my visiting teachers for 40 minutes while he tried to wait for me. He also had cleaned that house for their visit. He also made my favorite dinner, tacos. We also went on a hike to the Crimson trail up the canyon to celebrate 2 years since our first date. It was breathtakingly beautiful. The half-overcast day made for quite the sight and perfect weather. We then took his scouts to the observatory on campus. For two deep leadership, I got to also go. It was just wonderful today to reflect on all the beauties and marvels Our Creator has made. He knows every particle. He knows me by name. He knows my struggles. And He cares.

Today, I am realizing I appreciate of myself that:

1. I have a working body. Two eyes, two arms, two legs. I am very lucky to have been given these great gifts from my Father in Heaven. I may not be my ideal weight or as pretty as the women on the big screen, but I can walk. I can even run. I can see all these glorious creation created for us.

2. I married very well.

In Cheryl C. Lant address on "God's Love," she reminded me that all that I am is really thanks to the Lord. All the good that is in me is thanks to the struggles, opportunities, and blessings I have been given. 

Day Three

Okay, good-qualities-I-have time I guess.

Well, I think I got lucky. My husband and I just had a date night and we read together both of our traits off of the online "16 Personalities" personality assessment. We just read about some of my qualities. If you haven't taken this quiz yet, you really should (especially if you're in a relationship).

This is so awkward to dive into looking for the good in me! It's like the equivalent of diving deep into dark, murky water and having to stay under there long enough till you find something. Ugh. I hate the dark and I hate holding my breath deep underwater.

Here it goes. 1, 2, 3, (deep breath)...

1. Dedicated to people and tasks
2. High-achiever (usually give things my best)
3. Considerate of others
4. Dang... need to come up for a breath.

That was pretty good for the first plunge.

Let's call it a day.

Day Two

Today, I walked to work and then biked around town, and now I am recording in my journal of sorts.

The next phase of this address talks about appreciating who I am. Maybe tonight I can write about the thing I felt I have done well today, and then tomorrow I can address the things I appreciate about myself in general.

1. The food order for my new job was pretty spot on; we will be able to use up a lot of items instead of purchasing more things and it was the most inexpensive I have seen since being there.
2. I put the food order away better today than before. 
3. I exercised.
4. I may have still struggled eating intuitively at work, but I have done much better since getting home.
5. I have used my time well today; I was able to also purchase a pair of pants for me and some anniversary gifts for my incredible husband.
6. I remembered to turnover the laundry at work.
7. I made contact with a dear friend today.
8. I gave a whole gallon of milk away to someone in need.

Day One

In an address given by Cheryl C. Lant on "God's Love" in 2006, she reminded me that loving ourselves is kind of commanded by our Savior when He was on this earth. He told everyone to love our neighbors as we love ourselves. Cheryl explained that we can respect our bodies to build love for ourselves. As we avoid extremes with our dietary choices, exercise, and as we go to sleep early and awake early, we will not only feel better but be living in a way to receive promised blessings from heaven.

Dietary Choices:
Well, this is an ironic place for me to start! In one year, I hope to be a registered dietitian, as well. And just like everyone else, I still really could be better. I think my biggest struggle here is eating what I really want to eat - listening to my eternal eating cues. I will listen to these cues. Eat only till 80% full. This all very challenging when you work as a cook, but I will work on it this week.

Exercise:
This week I will not be working 54 hours like last week. I can get up at 6:15 am to exercise from 6:30 to 6:55. This would definitely help me to not be so angry at how out of shape and infrequently I exercise.

Sleep:
This means that I need to get to bed around 10:15 pm ... like an old person.

Her next point was on keeping our minds clean and pure.

Keeping Our Minds Clean and Pure:
I don't believe I do anything bad in day to drive the spirit away, but I could better come home and immediately make another one of these blogs (which would require more gospel study and pondering) than just turning on Netflix to unwind.

Well, I think that is enough goals for today.

Introduction

After a quarter of a century of struggling with self-doubts and deprecation, I prayed earnestly for help with the thought came to me of writing a blog: one year to begin a serious focus on discovering my worth. I know this is a journey of a lifetime, but I need to start somewhere.

I am a product of generations of self-depreciating parents. They were all wonderful parents in every way, but unintentional passed along the monster of self-contempt. My heart condition is such that I will need good insurance before my husband and I will be able to bring another life in this world. In one year, I should be able to get a job with insurance adequate enough. This means I have one to two years to really change my poor view of myself. Let it begin!